So, how do I tell you I love you? How do I tell you that my feelings for you run deeper than I could ever imagine?

It's the trust that I'm worried about. It's not lying, it's misinformation.

I'm going to sleep. I hope in the morning I have an apartment and that my feelings know better than they know now.

xoxo You must know I miss you

So...........

So how do I move on? How do I live my life so that I am okay? Do I want to screw up my chances with someone I care about so that I'm okay as a human being? This is fucked. I can't hold someone's hand through this; I need someone to hold my hand for heaven's sakes. I'm done doing this for other people. Why is it that it's so hard for me to get my life together again? All I want is to be happy. Could I ever be happy again? I hope so. I need to believe I can be. Otherwise, why bother?

Finding My Spirit

A lot has changed since my tormented posts here. I have been through and continue to look for my spirit within. I believe I am in love. I am in love with a man that I wish would be everything to me. And yet, at the same time I wish I had the strength within to caution myself from this love. I have tried, multiple times, to refrain from him, to keep myself from him. He is what I am looking for. He has strong familial values, an incredible attachment to a child that is not his but is a father-figure in her life. He has a connection that will never be broken, and this doesn't bother me except for the fact that he seems to plan his vacation around the child, her mother and his family. I need a greater understanding of where I fit into his life in order to respect what he values. If I were really that important in his life, if I was really his "girl", then why have we only spoken about trips and adventures in hypothetical situations. It's hard for me to trust someone with this kind of baggage because it is unfamiliar to me. That being said, who wants my baggage?

I want to go camping with him, I want to sit under the stars in his arms, I want him to come over and watch movies and eat popcorn but really just look into his incredible eyes and feel completely calm.

I want calm. I've been wreaking havoc since I left my husband. He was a man that brought negativity to my life and did not bring out my best qualities.

In keeping with my rambling mind, I'd like to take a moment and make my qualities known.

I am an intelligent woman, versed in two languages (English and French) with working knowledge of both Korean and Portuguese. I hold multiple degrees and am an accomplished teacher. I have just recently received a permanent position that entails both French and Kindergarten - two passions that I hold near and dear to my heart. I have always worked my hardest, except for this summer where I took my vacation and leave from working. In the past fifteen years (or so) I have worked two or three jobs at a time, couponed to the point where I have a bloody coupon binder in order to save my pennies for a rainy day. I deserve this summer off, even if it's to leave my husband, find a new home, and create a life where I feel like I'm worthy enough.

I went through a very rough time with my husband. I would drive home from work and look at this specific tree. I knew that if I left my cell phone out of my purse, and just swerved towards it, with my seat belt off and pretending to take my sweater off, that most people would come to the conclusion that I was texting and changing clothes when I veered off the road, directly into a tree. I even had it planned out where I knew that if I missed the tree I would hit the hydro pole. It was far enough away from my school that it would seem like an accident, and far enough away from my home that I would not be held in a suicide. I remember driving past this tree, and wondering how awful it would be for my students. My family may not have understood, but my students would be heartbroken. I loved them all, and wanted nothing but the best for them. They were the only reason I had to dodge that tree and continue to that house and suffer through that pain. I loved them. Truly and dearly. I couldn't imagine having them come to school and not see me there. It's the reason I kept my job at bbb. I knew I could come home and leave before he got there. I knew by the time I got home he would be in bed. I hated working there. But I hated being at that house more.

I miss his family. They are good people who only wanted the best for us. But the pain and suffering was too much for me to be able to live the rest of my life with it. They may hate me, but all I had was love for them. I was destructive, and self-altering.

I am not a stepford wife. I cannot be what I am not. I am sick and fucking tired of being what other people expect me to be. I am who I am. I am learning to love myself, despite my mistakes.

I am an incredible woman who needs to find herself before she loves again.

That`s what makes this situation hard. I think I love him. But I need to find me first.

I am always and forever,

v1v1da

As the rain hurtles down in its violent path to the ground, I await the reprieve so often found in its aftermath. I wait, and watch by the window pane, wondering when it will end. The rain pours down in sheets, encompassing the earth, and all that is found upon it. At random the lightening thrashes out, poking and pricking at random. The resounding boom that follows quakes those that hear it. Fighting the storm is impossible, and it seems it will never die out. So I sit patiently, and wait, while the rain washes me away.

The proverbial cherry...

It had to be this way. It had to happen in threes.

The husband and the brother-in-law

How, may I ask, how, is it possible to have the rejection, and utter dissociation from the two people you expect to be there?

My husband, the one I love more than anything on this earth. The one I wouldn't recognize if he was walking passed me on the street. He has no emotions, no feelings, no fake words of comfort for me. He has been gone for nine months. And is not the least bit interested in me or my life. Yet asks questions about the fake world around me.

My brother-in-law is a gem. He messages me in the morning, and will text me all day if he can. He bids me good night, and wishes me well. He is thoroughly concerned with my well-being. And neither him nor I are attracted to each other in the least. He is my surrogate, in every way but sexually.  He is romantic, loving, caring and insightful. And I have absolutely no idea why he is this nice to me. His own brother has never been this nice to me, so why, after seven years, eight years, has he started to take care of me?

No one understands this. No one knows my pain. When your therapist tells you that she has nothing to give you, no words of encouragement or pieces of advice, you know you're really screwed. When your therapist agrees with you, and asks you, "So, why are you here?" I figure the most rational statement is "Because I'm so fucked up".

How does no one see that yet? Do I need to cut my arms? Do I need to become bulimic? What is it that I have to do to show the world that I'm not okay???????? You all ignore it. As you always have. I am not okay. I have not been okay in a very, very long time.

Will I ever feel whole again? I don't even remember what that feels like. Am I worthy of that? Part of me wants to stick needles in my arm, and fuck off into the distance without a second thought. I care less and less about what others think of me. I care less and less about myself.

I always thought that finding my soulmate meant that I wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

Good Lord was I wrong. Brutally, unequivocally wrong.

Thank goodness the wine and the tissues (not kleenex) are within arms reach.

what the fuck

seriously, what the fuck

What am I doing here? What is my fucking purpose? To teach children, probably not.

I've been viciously brutal to people today. I have pushed them away in a sense that I do not want them, others, people, strangers, to involve themselves in my life.

The less people I have in my life, the less likely I am to hurt.

I put too many eggs in one basket. I put all my love into my husband. I lived with him, day in, day out, for seven years. We became entwined, interlocked, and yet, he didn't have the connection that I did. He left. He left for six months. Then he left for nine. Then ten.

At this point, I never expected him to come home. I don't know what it was, but when I looked at the pictures of him and I it seemed to be a sick and twisted dream. He wasn't real. He isn't real. He neither shows affection, nor exists in my every day life. He is a myth to most, a whisper in the wind. He is a ghost that some have seen, and many legend have spoke of. I am the only one who truly believes he exists. And he does nothing from Uganda to convince me or anyone else otherwise.

I allow myself to cry again. I allow myself the sorrow. I do not know where the future will bring me, but in the meantime, I live in a fantasy mind frame. My husband has, and will get along fine. My brother-in-law has a fantastic woman waiting in the sidelines.

Please stop this feeling, I can't take it anymore.

It's not funny anymore and I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sick of talking to everyone, I'm sick of being nothing to nobody.

The only somebody that I am is to a husband I don't communicate with, I don't see, I don't love. And I am powered by love.

And I'm sick of this fake shit. this shit that people say they have for me. I yearn to be loved. To be hugged, and kissed, and touched, and wanted, and admired, and.........

Now I can't stop crying. Fuck I'm so done.

That's enough now

I've had enough of this feeling, this void that cannot possibly be filled. What happens when he comes home? Is that not the question that plagues and haunts me at all hours of the day and night? Does he exist anymore? It's hard to tell. I could never fathom my life without him, and now that he's been gone so long, how will I be able to live with him again?

It's all so complicated and there is literally no one who understands. At all.

I understand my husband's choices. I respect them. I'm done doing the understanding and respecting. Enough is enough. I don't want to do this anymore, this fucking limbo that consumes me.

All I do is wait. I wait for him to come home. I wait to see his reaction to me. His love. I miss him so much and cannot feel this pain everyday. It's too much to bear.

The doctors gave me meds, and my heart hurts more than ever. I hate this. There is no fix. There is no solution. My surroundings are awful for the way I feel. "He'll be home soon". No he won't. To you, he'll be home soon, to me it's an eternity. That's not something consoling to say to someone. I feel like he doesn't exist, that he never existed, and that the man I love is never coming home. I feel trapped in this fucked up bubble, like the world is happening around me but I'm standing still.

Songbird

Sing, songbird, sing for all to hear.
Let your melody fill the air.

Let them see you, songbird.
Primped and perfect.

Let them gaze into your sickeningly sweet sad eyes
To see yourself drown in your own misery.

Chin up, songbird.
It's not all for naught

You will make others joyful,
In your time of great sorrow.

It's time to lock you up now songbird,
Although your time is not up

You will perch in your cage,
Fly a little here and there

Some of your admirers will visit
Though it's more for them than you

You will grow old and die
Waiting in vain

Let's tie your feet together songbird
Tame you to your cage

Clip your wings so you can't fly
But sing, songbird, sing.

Primp your feathers now songbird,
You can't let your face fall.

You need to be perfect
Practice makes perfect

Songbird, will you make it?
I doubt it.