And I can't sleep.........

At all. I'm thinking about you.

The strangest things

Sitting in my apartment tonight and mulling over words and thoughts. They scramble my brain. They leave me feeling helpless.

A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts.

I tip toe up to the peep hole and see a petite young girl was standing outside my door. My first reaction is that the person living downstairs is pissed because I'm still up.

I open the door a crack and peer into the brightly lit hallway. The girl standing front of me has tears in her big brown eyes and a cracked purple iPhone in her hand.

"Yes", I asked in a tentative voice.

She croaked out in a whisper, "Do you know the number of a taxi company," she looked down at her cracked phone and added, "...and a phone I could borrow?"

I invited her into the apartment and went into the other room to get my phone. Why was I opening the door at 1:30 in the morning to a total stranger? My childhood conditioning of paranoia incredibly entrenched in my brain was only superseded by my understanding of shitty situations. I remember being in a jam and asking strangers for help. It's not the easiest asking for help in the best of situations from people you know, and here she was asking me for help. Then she asked for a cigarette, I said sure as I was heading down myself. As we walked down the hallway she explained her predicament and the need for knocking on my door so late.

Her sister and sister's boyfriend live in the building, and wouldn't let her into the apartment. She said she could hear his phone inside the apartment and then it stopped, like it had been turned off.

I wondered if it was just ill fated luck that made her phone die at this critical time of her life. I waived that aside and told her it was no problem.

Then it occurred to me, how did she know I was up?

She explained that too. She saw my light on in through the peep hole and risked a knock.

We sat outside the building smoking, breathing in the smoke from my Belmont King size cigarette. I audibly prayed that she was at least close to legal age. She said she was nearly there, eighteen years old. I would've guessed 16 but she put up enough of a convincing story about going to college to pursue her dream to be a cosmologist. Then we sat in silence, with her occasionally saying thank you in whispers of speech.

The taxi pulled up and I extinguished my cigarette. I told her to knock, day or night, if she needed anything - no questions asked.

What a weird encounter with a random person.

But then, what is life without a bit of randomness.

I was just thinking about you

That's not true actually. I haven't stopped thinking about you. All day. All night.

I wish I could explain it to you. I tried tonight. Again. In vain.

I don't like this awkward communication. I think I'm making sense, to myself, in my brain. But then I talk to you and I see a whole other side of you. I don't understand how I'm not being clear.

I thought this made sense. I thought going, getting my stuff, giving his stuff back would be the mature thing to do. He had questions, he had things that he needed to say to me. He got them off his chest. I acknowledged them.

Choices

I don't expect you to understand the choices I make, but they are made for a reason.

What is love?

After spending much time reflecting lately on what love is, I have come to the realization that love is more about actions than it is about words. I know that there have been love songs explaining this, in rhythmic poetry, but to actually experience it first hand is illuminating.

Today I went to my matrimonial house to get the remaining personal items and take them to my new domicile.  Upon searching through the home for my items, I came across some that were not mine, but they were items that belonged to another woman. I have been out of the house for approximately two months and realized just how little love my ex had for me. He was prepared to invite someone else into our house in a highly committed way. It dawned on me how little he is dealing with his feelings over our separation and how this is incredibly detrimental to him. He drank the wine that was given at our wedding as anniversary milestones with another woman. I worry that he will not fully appreciate the healing process. I hope that in the future he can be happy. I hope that he can learn to move on in the right way. But that's my past.

I am looking to the future, hoping that through my therapy and self-reflection that I can trust myself and truly love myself so that I can be one with myself. Knowing this journey helps me to realize that love will come again to me, but that when it does I won't feel the need to hide myself from the relationship just in order to keep it. I know that I will be myself and know that I am an incredible human being who has the power to love and be loved.

I feel this in a whole new way. I feel that if I continue this process that I will become a person who cherishes life and lives based on what I believe is right and true.

I feel calmer now than I did before. It was an absolute shock to me, but one that reinforced my decision to leave him. Being in love isn't how long you've been with someone. Being in love has more to do with how you feel and how your feelings are shown. Instead of staying with someone hurtful, I had the courage to leave him. It lifted a huge weight of resentment and self-loathing off of my soul and made me appreciate just how talented and wonderful I am as a person.

I have more time for me, my friends, my career and what my plans are for the future. I know now that sometimes there are difficult decisions to be made, but love is something that cannot be talked about or explained. It is through feelings and emotions that true love enters one's soul and illuminates your sense of wonder.

That moment that I realized.......

Sitting by myself has left me time to reflect. I didn't know just how much I had inside me until I actually made time (although the time was given to me through my summer off) to see it.

I didn't think I was good enough. For anything. I didn't qualify my being with being worthy of anything. My ego has always dictated how I've lived. I needed to give more to relationships, more to my family, more to my career. I was never going to measure up.

I feel differently now. I left an abusive relationship and realized that it was not necessary for me to find a relationship that would fulfill me. I now realize that I am a whole person who has qualities and values that are valid and worthy. In my family I will remain and continue to be the glue, the person who listens (despite outsider opinion that I talk to much :p). I enjoy being the sibling, the child that is unpredictable and yet stable at the same time. My family knows that regardless of what is happening in my life that I will be there for them, in whatever capacity they need me.

I have been caught up in the mentality that I needed to stay perfect in every aspect of my life. If I had a relationship that was "perfect", a full resumé and the unending desire to accomplish more, then I would have a full life. I went about it in the wrong way; both in assumptions of success and the process of doing so.

Here are some things that I have learned:

1) The illusion of a "perfect" relationship does not exist. I do not need someone to complete my life, for I am a whole person in and of myself. I want someone in my life that brings me up, and that I bring up in the same fashion. I think I have found that. I have found a compassionate man who values me despite my faults. He always encourages me, puts me up, and looks at my faults as a way to grow into a better person.

2) My family is nuts, and I love them in a way I can't describe. Their love is what has helped me through this process of separation. At times it felt like an attack, like they were against me in every capacity.  I have learned that their reactions were to protect me, to love me, and to make sure that I was capable and understanding of the decisions that I have made. I know that they love me. I would never be able to do this without them. Despite my feelings of hurt with their reactions, they were completely warranted. Not only did I do my best to hide the pitfalls of my marriage from my friends and family, but I thought I needed to live through this marriage so that I protected my family from the pain of a separation. I know now that it doesn't matter what I hid, because I won't be doing that again - hiding things from my family. They are too intricate in my life to not share what I feel and what I know.

3) My career has always been an uphill battle with me. I never really knew where I fit and what I was meant to do. I had menial jobs in Canada and felt inspiration when I started teaching in Korea. I had many downfalls there, because I had the idea of control in my head. The juxtaposition of my morals and values with those of the Korea population were contradictory (to say the least). I always felt like I was behind, never feeling like I was a good teacher. I had temper issues, I had difficulty understanding what they wanted and how I could do it for them. I had so much creativity to give to these students and I didn't have the right means to do this. I was frustrated in the means and was penalized because of it. How could I teach without the liberty to use my creative energy? It was, and remains, what it means for me to be a teacher. In Korea, I had other teachers with opinions, but it was my ex's opinion that seemed to matter the most at the time. He ridiculed me, criticized me, and was constantly telling me what I had done wrong. Although it seemed like he supported me, he gave me no venue, no way of making me better. By focusing on myself in this process, I realized just how accomplished I was, and am. I realized that for the majority of my adult life I had been working two or three jobs and taking courses to better my future. I went through my undergrad, my French diploma, and my bachelor of education based on my will, intelligence and my overwhelming need to be the best me I knew how to be. I worked tirelessly to regain my chagrin at not having an honours degree - only a general degree. Since receiving that diploma I didn't feel that I was smart enough or worthy enough to achieve more. Even after my diploma certification in French and my bachelor of education, I felt that I wasn't smart or good enough to be in my profession. After a short but successful entry into the teaching profession, I started to realize my worth in the lives of my students. I started to realize that it's not about me, but rather how my students learn and the values I teach them on a daily basis. I was always worried about observations that were seen and documented by my superiors. I was always nervous at the meeting, expecting the absolute worst - telling me how awful of a teacher I was. Memories of my times in Korea being judged constantly on my ability to conduct and teach a class came into question. When I received glowing recommendations and "satisfactory" on my evaluations still floored me in an incredible way. I didn't think I deserved them. I didn't think I was good enough.
After a year of my bachelor of education and a year of supply/contract work with both boards, I was in a room with four principals, all eager to hear me speak French and my methods in the classroom. I had multiple interviews for various teaching positions, and hoped that I would at the very least get a contract position running from September to June. Not only did I get offered a permanent position in my second year of teaching, but I received one of the best compliments I've ever received from someone who didn't even hire me. On my second interview I was asked a question that I needed clarification in order to respond. I couldn't do it in good conscious. I didn't know what the question was asking me and told them honestly I didn't know how to respond properly, so I passed the question. I felt deflated after this interview, despite the positive people in my life. After receiving the permanent position, I danced and skipped around the house for over an hour. Afterwards, I received a call from my second interviewees (the interview where I missed an entire question). She stated that she had difficulty reaching my references based on the holiday season, but was confident that she would contact them soon. I told her that I had already accepted a permanent position and was no longer in the running for the position at her school. Not only had I been chosen to have a permanent position (incredibly rare, even for French) but the principal at the other school gave me two compliments knowing that I had already accepted another position: she told me that her French was good, that the translator's was great and that I surpassed them both; the second was that despite the fact that I missed an entire question, I was her first pick out of all the candidates. I was blown away. Who chooses someone over others, having missed a question?

I know now that I have an incredible gift, that I speak French well, and that I convey and act as a respectable, responsible teacher. It is what I love to do, what I love to plan for, and what I love to wake up in the morning and do every day.

I took awhile talking about my profession, and I believe it is worth noting. I have never given myself credit for my accomplishments, and it wasn't until my ex haphazardly called me out on it (telling me I was nothing without his "help"), did I actually realize that I needed to look within to find out just how great I was.

I am a great person. I deserve love and support but I also need to know that I can find both of these things within. It is what I do, and what attracts me to people who value these qualities. I`m done pretending to be someone I`m not, because frankly, I`m pretty spectacular.

So, how do I tell you I love you? How do I tell you that my feelings for you run deeper than I could ever imagine?

It's the trust that I'm worried about. It's not lying, it's misinformation.

I'm going to sleep. I hope in the morning I have an apartment and that my feelings know better than they know now.

xoxo You must know I miss you