I'm ready to try and understand how to explain it all to you, so that at the very least you will have a fuller understanding of everything.
The other night Tim sent me a text asking me if I wanted another recliner, including they he understood I didn't want to text/talk to him. Part way through the night my phone died and my tablet was on low. I believed that I had left my chargers at school/in my car/in my overnight bag from your house which was in the trunk of my car - later found out it was at your place.
I went online to facebook and saw that Tim was online and asked him if he had a charger. He said yes, and I was panicking (seriously cannot be late, no car, nothing nearby that's open, no one still awake/able to contact). He brought the charger over and I tested it to make sure it worked. After it had charged for a bit, I turned the phone on and found the messages from you. I sent you the text in a rush, as a sign to Tim that I was grateful for his charger, but that it was now time for him to leave. He took the hint and left, and I told him that I'd get it to him/drop it off at his parents' place once I got mine back.
Once I had my chargers back in my possession I sent Tim a text to make sure that he'd be at his parents place if I dropped it off at his house. He said I could text him and he'd come out to get it or I could leave it in the mailbox. I sent him a text after I had left it in the mailbox and thanked him again for letting me borrow it. He took the hint, and after a few Merry Christmas texts we stopped talking.
I realize now that his motives are based on a romantic not platonic intention and despite making myself clear previously. I reminded him that it's too soon after our relationship to text and be friends. I also explained that I have strong feelings for you.
I'm doing a lot better after seeing Isidora, giving her mom her Christmas card, helping my mom out, getting my online presents earlier than expected. I know I need to talk to you, and I really want to work on opening up to you earlier so that it doesn't drag out. I'm learning to use my voice again, as I'm used to being belittled during any kind of explanation (from previous relationships).
I started to keep a list of things I wanted to tell you about that I noticed throughout my day or that reminded me of you. It lasted about five seconds and then I realized that I would just have to wait to tell you when I saw you, as I'm unsure of how my texts are being received.
I trust that this makes sense, and please if you have anything further you want to inquire about I will do my best to put it into words.
Thank you
Monday 22 December 2014
Wednesday 10 December 2014
Best Friend Code, Part One
When you and another person agree to be "Best Friends" there are a few terms and conditions which you must be ready, willing and able to fulfill as said " Best Friend", henceforth referred to simply as "BF". From this point onward the two (or more) parties agree that you will maintain and uphold certain responsibilities. When one or more of the parties terminates the BF agreement, the terms of the friendship must still be upheld even after the date of termination, unless there's some law/moral/good reason for not doing it (explained at a later date).
...but really, you don't use information about your former BF (fBF) against them unless it is to genuinely help them.
Example:
The partner of your fBF asks you questions about your fBF. The partner has absolutely no reason, no right, and frankly, I'm a bit upset that the partner was so callous to think that I'd do that to my fBF. That's not how I live my life.
I responded with a number of messages further detailing the above paragraph to the partner of my fBF. I told the partner that I was no longer in contact with my fBF and that no further contact was necessary from this point forward.
Take the high ground. Think about how you would want to be treated. Live accordingly.
I am so happy........
The following lyrics explain the feeling surging through my body:
I want every piece of me to crash into every piece of you,
I swear to God that's how they make stars.
I know.
Read more: Mary Lambert - Sarasvati Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Thank you, for making me feel alive and ready to start living the life I've always dreamed of.
Thank you, for making me feel alive and ready to start living the life I've always dreamed of.
Wednesday 20 August 2014
The strangest things
Sitting in my apartment tonight and mulling over words and thoughts. They scramble my brain. They leave me feeling helpless.
A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts.
I tip toe up to the peep hole and see a petite young girl was standing outside my door. My first reaction is that the person living downstairs is pissed because I'm still up.
I open the door a crack and peer into the brightly lit hallway. The girl standing front of me has tears in her big brown eyes and a cracked purple iPhone in her hand.
"Yes", I asked in a tentative voice.
She croaked out in a whisper, "Do you know the number of a taxi company," she looked down at her cracked phone and added, "...and a phone I could borrow?"
I invited her into the apartment and went into the other room to get my phone. Why was I opening the door at 1:30 in the morning to a total stranger? My childhood conditioning of paranoia incredibly entrenched in my brain was only superseded by my understanding of shitty situations. I remember being in a jam and asking strangers for help. It's not the easiest asking for help in the best of situations from people you know, and here she was asking me for help. Then she asked for a cigarette, I said sure as I was heading down myself. As we walked down the hallway she explained her predicament and the need for knocking on my door so late.
Her sister and sister's boyfriend live in the building, and wouldn't let her into the apartment. She said she could hear his phone inside the apartment and then it stopped, like it had been turned off.
I wondered if it was just ill fated luck that made her phone die at this critical time of her life. I waived that aside and told her it was no problem.
Then it occurred to me, how did she know I was up?
She explained that too. She saw my light on in through the peep hole and risked a knock.
We sat outside the building smoking, breathing in the smoke from my Belmont King size cigarette. I audibly prayed that she was at least close to legal age. She said she was nearly there, eighteen years old. I would've guessed 16 but she put up enough of a convincing story about going to college to pursue her dream to be a cosmologist. Then we sat in silence, with her occasionally saying thank you in whispers of speech.
The taxi pulled up and I extinguished my cigarette. I told her to knock, day or night, if she needed anything - no questions asked.
What a weird encounter with a random person.
But then, what is life without a bit of randomness.
A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts.
I tip toe up to the peep hole and see a petite young girl was standing outside my door. My first reaction is that the person living downstairs is pissed because I'm still up.
I open the door a crack and peer into the brightly lit hallway. The girl standing front of me has tears in her big brown eyes and a cracked purple iPhone in her hand.
"Yes", I asked in a tentative voice.
She croaked out in a whisper, "Do you know the number of a taxi company," she looked down at her cracked phone and added, "...and a phone I could borrow?"
I invited her into the apartment and went into the other room to get my phone. Why was I opening the door at 1:30 in the morning to a total stranger? My childhood conditioning of paranoia incredibly entrenched in my brain was only superseded by my understanding of shitty situations. I remember being in a jam and asking strangers for help. It's not the easiest asking for help in the best of situations from people you know, and here she was asking me for help. Then she asked for a cigarette, I said sure as I was heading down myself. As we walked down the hallway she explained her predicament and the need for knocking on my door so late.
Her sister and sister's boyfriend live in the building, and wouldn't let her into the apartment. She said she could hear his phone inside the apartment and then it stopped, like it had been turned off.
I wondered if it was just ill fated luck that made her phone die at this critical time of her life. I waived that aside and told her it was no problem.
Then it occurred to me, how did she know I was up?
She explained that too. She saw my light on in through the peep hole and risked a knock.
We sat outside the building smoking, breathing in the smoke from my Belmont King size cigarette. I audibly prayed that she was at least close to legal age. She said she was nearly there, eighteen years old. I would've guessed 16 but she put up enough of a convincing story about going to college to pursue her dream to be a cosmologist. Then we sat in silence, with her occasionally saying thank you in whispers of speech.
The taxi pulled up and I extinguished my cigarette. I told her to knock, day or night, if she needed anything - no questions asked.
What a weird encounter with a random person.
But then, what is life without a bit of randomness.
I was just thinking about you
That's not true actually. I haven't stopped thinking about you. All day. All night.
I wish I could explain it to you. I tried tonight. Again. In vain.
I don't like this awkward communication. I think I'm making sense, to myself, in my brain. But then I talk to you and I see a whole other side of you. I don't understand how I'm not being clear.
I thought this made sense. I thought going, getting my stuff, giving his stuff back would be the mature thing to do. He had questions, he had things that he needed to say to me. He got them off his chest. I acknowledged them.
I wish I could explain it to you. I tried tonight. Again. In vain.
I don't like this awkward communication. I think I'm making sense, to myself, in my brain. But then I talk to you and I see a whole other side of you. I don't understand how I'm not being clear.
I thought this made sense. I thought going, getting my stuff, giving his stuff back would be the mature thing to do. He had questions, he had things that he needed to say to me. He got them off his chest. I acknowledged them.
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