The proverbial cherry...

It had to be this way. It had to happen in threes.

The husband and the brother-in-law

How, may I ask, how, is it possible to have the rejection, and utter dissociation from the two people you expect to be there?

My husband, the one I love more than anything on this earth. The one I wouldn't recognize if he was walking passed me on the street. He has no emotions, no feelings, no fake words of comfort for me. He has been gone for nine months. And is not the least bit interested in me or my life. Yet asks questions about the fake world around me.

My brother-in-law is a gem. He messages me in the morning, and will text me all day if he can. He bids me good night, and wishes me well. He is thoroughly concerned with my well-being. And neither him nor I are attracted to each other in the least. He is my surrogate, in every way but sexually.  He is romantic, loving, caring and insightful. And I have absolutely no idea why he is this nice to me. His own brother has never been this nice to me, so why, after seven years, eight years, has he started to take care of me?

No one understands this. No one knows my pain. When your therapist tells you that she has nothing to give you, no words of encouragement or pieces of advice, you know you're really screwed. When your therapist agrees with you, and asks you, "So, why are you here?" I figure the most rational statement is "Because I'm so fucked up".

How does no one see that yet? Do I need to cut my arms? Do I need to become bulimic? What is it that I have to do to show the world that I'm not okay???????? You all ignore it. As you always have. I am not okay. I have not been okay in a very, very long time.

Will I ever feel whole again? I don't even remember what that feels like. Am I worthy of that? Part of me wants to stick needles in my arm, and fuck off into the distance without a second thought. I care less and less about what others think of me. I care less and less about myself.

I always thought that finding my soulmate meant that I wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

Good Lord was I wrong. Brutally, unequivocally wrong.

Thank goodness the wine and the tissues (not kleenex) are within arms reach.

what the fuck

seriously, what the fuck

What am I doing here? What is my fucking purpose? To teach children, probably not.

I've been viciously brutal to people today. I have pushed them away in a sense that I do not want them, others, people, strangers, to involve themselves in my life.

The less people I have in my life, the less likely I am to hurt.

I put too many eggs in one basket. I put all my love into my husband. I lived with him, day in, day out, for seven years. We became entwined, interlocked, and yet, he didn't have the connection that I did. He left. He left for six months. Then he left for nine. Then ten.

At this point, I never expected him to come home. I don't know what it was, but when I looked at the pictures of him and I it seemed to be a sick and twisted dream. He wasn't real. He isn't real. He neither shows affection, nor exists in my every day life. He is a myth to most, a whisper in the wind. He is a ghost that some have seen, and many legend have spoke of. I am the only one who truly believes he exists. And he does nothing from Uganda to convince me or anyone else otherwise.

I allow myself to cry again. I allow myself the sorrow. I do not know where the future will bring me, but in the meantime, I live in a fantasy mind frame. My husband has, and will get along fine. My brother-in-law has a fantastic woman waiting in the sidelines.