That moment that I realized.......

Sitting by myself has left me time to reflect. I didn't know just how much I had inside me until I actually made time (although the time was given to me through my summer off) to see it.

I didn't think I was good enough. For anything. I didn't qualify my being with being worthy of anything. My ego has always dictated how I've lived. I needed to give more to relationships, more to my family, more to my career. I was never going to measure up.

I feel differently now. I left an abusive relationship and realized that it was not necessary for me to find a relationship that would fulfill me. I now realize that I am a whole person who has qualities and values that are valid and worthy. In my family I will remain and continue to be the glue, the person who listens (despite outsider opinion that I talk to much :p). I enjoy being the sibling, the child that is unpredictable and yet stable at the same time. My family knows that regardless of what is happening in my life that I will be there for them, in whatever capacity they need me.

I have been caught up in the mentality that I needed to stay perfect in every aspect of my life. If I had a relationship that was "perfect", a full resumé and the unending desire to accomplish more, then I would have a full life. I went about it in the wrong way; both in assumptions of success and the process of doing so.

Here are some things that I have learned:

1) The illusion of a "perfect" relationship does not exist. I do not need someone to complete my life, for I am a whole person in and of myself. I want someone in my life that brings me up, and that I bring up in the same fashion. I think I have found that. I have found a compassionate man who values me despite my faults. He always encourages me, puts me up, and looks at my faults as a way to grow into a better person.

2) My family is nuts, and I love them in a way I can't describe. Their love is what has helped me through this process of separation. At times it felt like an attack, like they were against me in every capacity.  I have learned that their reactions were to protect me, to love me, and to make sure that I was capable and understanding of the decisions that I have made. I know that they love me. I would never be able to do this without them. Despite my feelings of hurt with their reactions, they were completely warranted. Not only did I do my best to hide the pitfalls of my marriage from my friends and family, but I thought I needed to live through this marriage so that I protected my family from the pain of a separation. I know now that it doesn't matter what I hid, because I won't be doing that again - hiding things from my family. They are too intricate in my life to not share what I feel and what I know.

3) My career has always been an uphill battle with me. I never really knew where I fit and what I was meant to do. I had menial jobs in Canada and felt inspiration when I started teaching in Korea. I had many downfalls there, because I had the idea of control in my head. The juxtaposition of my morals and values with those of the Korea population were contradictory (to say the least). I always felt like I was behind, never feeling like I was a good teacher. I had temper issues, I had difficulty understanding what they wanted and how I could do it for them. I had so much creativity to give to these students and I didn't have the right means to do this. I was frustrated in the means and was penalized because of it. How could I teach without the liberty to use my creative energy? It was, and remains, what it means for me to be a teacher. In Korea, I had other teachers with opinions, but it was my ex's opinion that seemed to matter the most at the time. He ridiculed me, criticized me, and was constantly telling me what I had done wrong. Although it seemed like he supported me, he gave me no venue, no way of making me better. By focusing on myself in this process, I realized just how accomplished I was, and am. I realized that for the majority of my adult life I had been working two or three jobs and taking courses to better my future. I went through my undergrad, my French diploma, and my bachelor of education based on my will, intelligence and my overwhelming need to be the best me I knew how to be. I worked tirelessly to regain my chagrin at not having an honours degree - only a general degree. Since receiving that diploma I didn't feel that I was smart enough or worthy enough to achieve more. Even after my diploma certification in French and my bachelor of education, I felt that I wasn't smart or good enough to be in my profession. After a short but successful entry into the teaching profession, I started to realize my worth in the lives of my students. I started to realize that it's not about me, but rather how my students learn and the values I teach them on a daily basis. I was always worried about observations that were seen and documented by my superiors. I was always nervous at the meeting, expecting the absolute worst - telling me how awful of a teacher I was. Memories of my times in Korea being judged constantly on my ability to conduct and teach a class came into question. When I received glowing recommendations and "satisfactory" on my evaluations still floored me in an incredible way. I didn't think I deserved them. I didn't think I was good enough.
After a year of my bachelor of education and a year of supply/contract work with both boards, I was in a room with four principals, all eager to hear me speak French and my methods in the classroom. I had multiple interviews for various teaching positions, and hoped that I would at the very least get a contract position running from September to June. Not only did I get offered a permanent position in my second year of teaching, but I received one of the best compliments I've ever received from someone who didn't even hire me. On my second interview I was asked a question that I needed clarification in order to respond. I couldn't do it in good conscious. I didn't know what the question was asking me and told them honestly I didn't know how to respond properly, so I passed the question. I felt deflated after this interview, despite the positive people in my life. After receiving the permanent position, I danced and skipped around the house for over an hour. Afterwards, I received a call from my second interviewees (the interview where I missed an entire question). She stated that she had difficulty reaching my references based on the holiday season, but was confident that she would contact them soon. I told her that I had already accepted a permanent position and was no longer in the running for the position at her school. Not only had I been chosen to have a permanent position (incredibly rare, even for French) but the principal at the other school gave me two compliments knowing that I had already accepted another position: she told me that her French was good, that the translator's was great and that I surpassed them both; the second was that despite the fact that I missed an entire question, I was her first pick out of all the candidates. I was blown away. Who chooses someone over others, having missed a question?

I know now that I have an incredible gift, that I speak French well, and that I convey and act as a respectable, responsible teacher. It is what I love to do, what I love to plan for, and what I love to wake up in the morning and do every day.

I took awhile talking about my profession, and I believe it is worth noting. I have never given myself credit for my accomplishments, and it wasn't until my ex haphazardly called me out on it (telling me I was nothing without his "help"), did I actually realize that I needed to look within to find out just how great I was.

I am a great person. I deserve love and support but I also need to know that I can find both of these things within. It is what I do, and what attracts me to people who value these qualities. I`m done pretending to be someone I`m not, because frankly, I`m pretty spectacular.

So, how do I tell you I love you? How do I tell you that my feelings for you run deeper than I could ever imagine?

It's the trust that I'm worried about. It's not lying, it's misinformation.

I'm going to sleep. I hope in the morning I have an apartment and that my feelings know better than they know now.

xoxo You must know I miss you

So...........

So how do I move on? How do I live my life so that I am okay? Do I want to screw up my chances with someone I care about so that I'm okay as a human being? This is fucked. I can't hold someone's hand through this; I need someone to hold my hand for heaven's sakes. I'm done doing this for other people. Why is it that it's so hard for me to get my life together again? All I want is to be happy. Could I ever be happy again? I hope so. I need to believe I can be. Otherwise, why bother?

Finding My Spirit

A lot has changed since my tormented posts here. I have been through and continue to look for my spirit within. I believe I am in love. I am in love with a man that I wish would be everything to me. And yet, at the same time I wish I had the strength within to caution myself from this love. I have tried, multiple times, to refrain from him, to keep myself from him. He is what I am looking for. He has strong familial values, an incredible attachment to a child that is not his but is a father-figure in her life. He has a connection that will never be broken, and this doesn't bother me except for the fact that he seems to plan his vacation around the child, her mother and his family. I need a greater understanding of where I fit into his life in order to respect what he values. If I were really that important in his life, if I was really his "girl", then why have we only spoken about trips and adventures in hypothetical situations. It's hard for me to trust someone with this kind of baggage because it is unfamiliar to me. That being said, who wants my baggage?

I want to go camping with him, I want to sit under the stars in his arms, I want him to come over and watch movies and eat popcorn but really just look into his incredible eyes and feel completely calm.

I want calm. I've been wreaking havoc since I left my husband. He was a man that brought negativity to my life and did not bring out my best qualities.

In keeping with my rambling mind, I'd like to take a moment and make my qualities known.

I am an intelligent woman, versed in two languages (English and French) with working knowledge of both Korean and Portuguese. I hold multiple degrees and am an accomplished teacher. I have just recently received a permanent position that entails both French and Kindergarten - two passions that I hold near and dear to my heart. I have always worked my hardest, except for this summer where I took my vacation and leave from working. In the past fifteen years (or so) I have worked two or three jobs at a time, couponed to the point where I have a bloody coupon binder in order to save my pennies for a rainy day. I deserve this summer off, even if it's to leave my husband, find a new home, and create a life where I feel like I'm worthy enough.

I went through a very rough time with my husband. I would drive home from work and look at this specific tree. I knew that if I left my cell phone out of my purse, and just swerved towards it, with my seat belt off and pretending to take my sweater off, that most people would come to the conclusion that I was texting and changing clothes when I veered off the road, directly into a tree. I even had it planned out where I knew that if I missed the tree I would hit the hydro pole. It was far enough away from my school that it would seem like an accident, and far enough away from my home that I would not be held in a suicide. I remember driving past this tree, and wondering how awful it would be for my students. My family may not have understood, but my students would be heartbroken. I loved them all, and wanted nothing but the best for them. They were the only reason I had to dodge that tree and continue to that house and suffer through that pain. I loved them. Truly and dearly. I couldn't imagine having them come to school and not see me there. It's the reason I kept my job at bbb. I knew I could come home and leave before he got there. I knew by the time I got home he would be in bed. I hated working there. But I hated being at that house more.

I miss his family. They are good people who only wanted the best for us. But the pain and suffering was too much for me to be able to live the rest of my life with it. They may hate me, but all I had was love for them. I was destructive, and self-altering.

I am not a stepford wife. I cannot be what I am not. I am sick and fucking tired of being what other people expect me to be. I am who I am. I am learning to love myself, despite my mistakes.

I am an incredible woman who needs to find herself before she loves again.

That`s what makes this situation hard. I think I love him. But I need to find me first.

I am always and forever,

v1v1da