As the rain hurtles down in its violent path to the ground, I await the reprieve so often found in its aftermath. I wait, and watch by the window pane, wondering when it will end. The rain pours down in sheets, encompassing the earth, and all that is found upon it. At random the lightening thrashes out, poking and pricking at random. The resounding boom that follows quakes those that hear it. Fighting the storm is impossible, and it seems it will never die out. So I sit patiently, and wait, while the rain washes me away.

The proverbial cherry...

It had to be this way. It had to happen in threes.

The husband and the brother-in-law

How, may I ask, how, is it possible to have the rejection, and utter dissociation from the two people you expect to be there?

My husband, the one I love more than anything on this earth. The one I wouldn't recognize if he was walking passed me on the street. He has no emotions, no feelings, no fake words of comfort for me. He has been gone for nine months. And is not the least bit interested in me or my life. Yet asks questions about the fake world around me.

My brother-in-law is a gem. He messages me in the morning, and will text me all day if he can. He bids me good night, and wishes me well. He is thoroughly concerned with my well-being. And neither him nor I are attracted to each other in the least. He is my surrogate, in every way but sexually.  He is romantic, loving, caring and insightful. And I have absolutely no idea why he is this nice to me. His own brother has never been this nice to me, so why, after seven years, eight years, has he started to take care of me?

No one understands this. No one knows my pain. When your therapist tells you that she has nothing to give you, no words of encouragement or pieces of advice, you know you're really screwed. When your therapist agrees with you, and asks you, "So, why are you here?" I figure the most rational statement is "Because I'm so fucked up".

How does no one see that yet? Do I need to cut my arms? Do I need to become bulimic? What is it that I have to do to show the world that I'm not okay???????? You all ignore it. As you always have. I am not okay. I have not been okay in a very, very long time.

Will I ever feel whole again? I don't even remember what that feels like. Am I worthy of that? Part of me wants to stick needles in my arm, and fuck off into the distance without a second thought. I care less and less about what others think of me. I care less and less about myself.

I always thought that finding my soulmate meant that I wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

Good Lord was I wrong. Brutally, unequivocally wrong.

Thank goodness the wine and the tissues (not kleenex) are within arms reach.

what the fuck

seriously, what the fuck

What am I doing here? What is my fucking purpose? To teach children, probably not.

I've been viciously brutal to people today. I have pushed them away in a sense that I do not want them, others, people, strangers, to involve themselves in my life.

The less people I have in my life, the less likely I am to hurt.

I put too many eggs in one basket. I put all my love into my husband. I lived with him, day in, day out, for seven years. We became entwined, interlocked, and yet, he didn't have the connection that I did. He left. He left for six months. Then he left for nine. Then ten.

At this point, I never expected him to come home. I don't know what it was, but when I looked at the pictures of him and I it seemed to be a sick and twisted dream. He wasn't real. He isn't real. He neither shows affection, nor exists in my every day life. He is a myth to most, a whisper in the wind. He is a ghost that some have seen, and many legend have spoke of. I am the only one who truly believes he exists. And he does nothing from Uganda to convince me or anyone else otherwise.

I allow myself to cry again. I allow myself the sorrow. I do not know where the future will bring me, but in the meantime, I live in a fantasy mind frame. My husband has, and will get along fine. My brother-in-law has a fantastic woman waiting in the sidelines.

Please stop this feeling, I can't take it anymore.

It's not funny anymore and I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sick of talking to everyone, I'm sick of being nothing to nobody.

The only somebody that I am is to a husband I don't communicate with, I don't see, I don't love. And I am powered by love.

And I'm sick of this fake shit. this shit that people say they have for me. I yearn to be loved. To be hugged, and kissed, and touched, and wanted, and admired, and.........

Now I can't stop crying. Fuck I'm so done.

That's enough now

I've had enough of this feeling, this void that cannot possibly be filled. What happens when he comes home? Is that not the question that plagues and haunts me at all hours of the day and night? Does he exist anymore? It's hard to tell. I could never fathom my life without him, and now that he's been gone so long, how will I be able to live with him again?

It's all so complicated and there is literally no one who understands. At all.

I understand my husband's choices. I respect them. I'm done doing the understanding and respecting. Enough is enough. I don't want to do this anymore, this fucking limbo that consumes me.

All I do is wait. I wait for him to come home. I wait to see his reaction to me. His love. I miss him so much and cannot feel this pain everyday. It's too much to bear.

The doctors gave me meds, and my heart hurts more than ever. I hate this. There is no fix. There is no solution. My surroundings are awful for the way I feel. "He'll be home soon". No he won't. To you, he'll be home soon, to me it's an eternity. That's not something consoling to say to someone. I feel like he doesn't exist, that he never existed, and that the man I love is never coming home. I feel trapped in this fucked up bubble, like the world is happening around me but I'm standing still.

Songbird

Sing, songbird, sing for all to hear.
Let your melody fill the air.

Let them see you, songbird.
Primped and perfect.

Let them gaze into your sickeningly sweet sad eyes
To see yourself drown in your own misery.

Chin up, songbird.
It's not all for naught

You will make others joyful,
In your time of great sorrow.

It's time to lock you up now songbird,
Although your time is not up

You will perch in your cage,
Fly a little here and there

Some of your admirers will visit
Though it's more for them than you

You will grow old and die
Waiting in vain

Let's tie your feet together songbird
Tame you to your cage

Clip your wings so you can't fly
But sing, songbird, sing.

Primp your feathers now songbird,
You can't let your face fall.

You need to be perfect
Practice makes perfect

Songbird, will you make it?
I doubt it.

A cry from the dark

I can't remember the last time someone loved me,
That someone reached deep into my soul and lit it up.
I'm void, I'm numb, I'm going through the motions,
And I don't know where I'm going or where I've been.

It all seems like a dream to me,
A fairy tale I tell myself.
And everybody's in on it,
My poor, miserable life.

Thank God I've got so much going for me,
Or I'd truly be a waste of space.
I don't get the point anymore,
Nor the person I'm supposed to be.

I thought my heart was done breaking,
Looks like I love you too much.
The tears roll down without care, acknowledgment or notice.
No one notices. No one cares. Everyone humours.

I take it in, to numb the pain.
But they are without.
And I am without.
Alone.

I am no longer the person I was, wanted to be, or dreamed to be.
I just exist.
in the void
in the meaningless abyss
And I can't handle it anymore.