You

I'm ready to try and understand how to explain it all to you, so that at the very least you will have a fuller understanding of everything.

The other night Tim sent me a text asking me if I wanted another recliner, including they he understood I didn't want to text/talk to him. Part way through the night my phone died and my tablet was on low. I believed that I had left my chargers at school/in my car/in my overnight bag from your house which was in the trunk of my car - later found out it was at your place.

I went online to facebook and saw that Tim was online and asked him if he had a charger. He said yes, and I was panicking (seriously cannot be late, no car, nothing nearby that's open, no one still awake/able to contact). He brought the charger over and I tested it to make sure it worked. After it had charged for a bit, I turned the phone on and found the messages from you. I sent you the text in a rush, as a sign to Tim that I was grateful for his charger, but that it was now time for him to leave. He took the hint and left, and I told him that I'd get it to him/drop it off at his parents' place once I got mine back.

Once I had my chargers back in my possession I sent Tim a text to make sure that he'd be at his parents place if I dropped it off at his house. He said I could text him and he'd come out to get it or I could leave it in the mailbox. I sent him a text after I had left it in the mailbox and thanked him again for letting me borrow it. He took the hint, and after a few Merry Christmas texts we stopped talking.

I realize now that his motives are based on a romantic not platonic intention and despite making myself clear previously. I reminded him that it's too soon after our relationship to text and be friends. I also explained that I have strong feelings for you.

I'm doing a lot better after seeing Isidora, giving her mom her Christmas card, helping my mom out, getting my online presents earlier than expected. I know I need to talk to you, and I really want to work on opening up to you earlier so that it doesn't drag out. I'm learning to use my voice again, as I'm used to being belittled during any kind of explanation (from previous relationships).

I started to keep a list of things I wanted to tell you about that I noticed throughout my day or that reminded me of you. It lasted about five seconds and then I realized that I would just have to wait to tell you when I saw you, as I'm unsure of how my texts are being received.

I trust that this makes sense, and please if you have anything further you want to inquire about I will do my best to put it into words.

Thank you

Best Friend Code, Part One

When you and another person agree to be "Best Friends" there are a few terms and conditions which you must be ready, willing and able to fulfill as said " Best Friend", henceforth referred to simply as "BF". From this point onward the two (or more) parties agree that you will maintain and uphold certain responsibilities. When one or more of the parties terminates the BF agreement, the terms of the friendship must still be upheld even after the date of termination, unless there's some law/moral/good reason for not doing it (explained at a later date).

...but really, you don't use information about your former BF (fBF) against them unless it is to genuinely help them.

Example:

The partner of your fBF asks you questions about your fBF. The partner has absolutely no reason, no right, and frankly, I'm a bit upset that the partner was so callous to think that I'd do that to my fBF. That's not how I live my life.

I responded with a number of messages further detailing the above paragraph to the partner of my fBF. I told the partner that I was no longer in contact with my fBF and that no further contact was necessary from this point forward. 

Take the high ground. Think about how you would want to be treated. Live accordingly. 

I am so happy........

The following lyrics explain the feeling surging through my body:

I want every piece of me to crash into every piece of you,

I swear to God that's how they make stars.

I know.

Read more: Mary Lambert - Sarasvati Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Thank you, for making me feel alive and ready to start living the life I've always dreamed of.

And I can't sleep.........

At all. I'm thinking about you.

The strangest things

Sitting in my apartment tonight and mulling over words and thoughts. They scramble my brain. They leave me feeling helpless.

A knock at the door pulls me from my thoughts.

I tip toe up to the peep hole and see a petite young girl was standing outside my door. My first reaction is that the person living downstairs is pissed because I'm still up.

I open the door a crack and peer into the brightly lit hallway. The girl standing front of me has tears in her big brown eyes and a cracked purple iPhone in her hand.

"Yes", I asked in a tentative voice.

She croaked out in a whisper, "Do you know the number of a taxi company," she looked down at her cracked phone and added, "...and a phone I could borrow?"

I invited her into the apartment and went into the other room to get my phone. Why was I opening the door at 1:30 in the morning to a total stranger? My childhood conditioning of paranoia incredibly entrenched in my brain was only superseded by my understanding of shitty situations. I remember being in a jam and asking strangers for help. It's not the easiest asking for help in the best of situations from people you know, and here she was asking me for help. Then she asked for a cigarette, I said sure as I was heading down myself. As we walked down the hallway she explained her predicament and the need for knocking on my door so late.

Her sister and sister's boyfriend live in the building, and wouldn't let her into the apartment. She said she could hear his phone inside the apartment and then it stopped, like it had been turned off.

I wondered if it was just ill fated luck that made her phone die at this critical time of her life. I waived that aside and told her it was no problem.

Then it occurred to me, how did she know I was up?

She explained that too. She saw my light on in through the peep hole and risked a knock.

We sat outside the building smoking, breathing in the smoke from my Belmont King size cigarette. I audibly prayed that she was at least close to legal age. She said she was nearly there, eighteen years old. I would've guessed 16 but she put up enough of a convincing story about going to college to pursue her dream to be a cosmologist. Then we sat in silence, with her occasionally saying thank you in whispers of speech.

The taxi pulled up and I extinguished my cigarette. I told her to knock, day or night, if she needed anything - no questions asked.

What a weird encounter with a random person.

But then, what is life without a bit of randomness.

I was just thinking about you

That's not true actually. I haven't stopped thinking about you. All day. All night.

I wish I could explain it to you. I tried tonight. Again. In vain.

I don't like this awkward communication. I think I'm making sense, to myself, in my brain. But then I talk to you and I see a whole other side of you. I don't understand how I'm not being clear.

I thought this made sense. I thought going, getting my stuff, giving his stuff back would be the mature thing to do. He had questions, he had things that he needed to say to me. He got them off his chest. I acknowledged them.

Choices

I don't expect you to understand the choices I make, but they are made for a reason.

What is love?

After spending much time reflecting lately on what love is, I have come to the realization that love is more about actions than it is about words. I know that there have been love songs explaining this, in rhythmic poetry, but to actually experience it first hand is illuminating.

Today I went to my matrimonial house to get the remaining personal items and take them to my new domicile.  Upon searching through the home for my items, I came across some that were not mine, but they were items that belonged to another woman. I have been out of the house for approximately two months and realized just how little love my ex had for me. He was prepared to invite someone else into our house in a highly committed way. It dawned on me how little he is dealing with his feelings over our separation and how this is incredibly detrimental to him. He drank the wine that was given at our wedding as anniversary milestones with another woman. I worry that he will not fully appreciate the healing process. I hope that in the future he can be happy. I hope that he can learn to move on in the right way. But that's my past.

I am looking to the future, hoping that through my therapy and self-reflection that I can trust myself and truly love myself so that I can be one with myself. Knowing this journey helps me to realize that love will come again to me, but that when it does I won't feel the need to hide myself from the relationship just in order to keep it. I know that I will be myself and know that I am an incredible human being who has the power to love and be loved.

I feel this in a whole new way. I feel that if I continue this process that I will become a person who cherishes life and lives based on what I believe is right and true.

I feel calmer now than I did before. It was an absolute shock to me, but one that reinforced my decision to leave him. Being in love isn't how long you've been with someone. Being in love has more to do with how you feel and how your feelings are shown. Instead of staying with someone hurtful, I had the courage to leave him. It lifted a huge weight of resentment and self-loathing off of my soul and made me appreciate just how talented and wonderful I am as a person.

I have more time for me, my friends, my career and what my plans are for the future. I know now that sometimes there are difficult decisions to be made, but love is something that cannot be talked about or explained. It is through feelings and emotions that true love enters one's soul and illuminates your sense of wonder.

That moment that I realized.......

Sitting by myself has left me time to reflect. I didn't know just how much I had inside me until I actually made time (although the time was given to me through my summer off) to see it.

I didn't think I was good enough. For anything. I didn't qualify my being with being worthy of anything. My ego has always dictated how I've lived. I needed to give more to relationships, more to my family, more to my career. I was never going to measure up.

I feel differently now. I left an abusive relationship and realized that it was not necessary for me to find a relationship that would fulfill me. I now realize that I am a whole person who has qualities and values that are valid and worthy. In my family I will remain and continue to be the glue, the person who listens (despite outsider opinion that I talk to much :p). I enjoy being the sibling, the child that is unpredictable and yet stable at the same time. My family knows that regardless of what is happening in my life that I will be there for them, in whatever capacity they need me.

I have been caught up in the mentality that I needed to stay perfect in every aspect of my life. If I had a relationship that was "perfect", a full resumé and the unending desire to accomplish more, then I would have a full life. I went about it in the wrong way; both in assumptions of success and the process of doing so.

Here are some things that I have learned:

1) The illusion of a "perfect" relationship does not exist. I do not need someone to complete my life, for I am a whole person in and of myself. I want someone in my life that brings me up, and that I bring up in the same fashion. I think I have found that. I have found a compassionate man who values me despite my faults. He always encourages me, puts me up, and looks at my faults as a way to grow into a better person.

2) My family is nuts, and I love them in a way I can't describe. Their love is what has helped me through this process of separation. At times it felt like an attack, like they were against me in every capacity.  I have learned that their reactions were to protect me, to love me, and to make sure that I was capable and understanding of the decisions that I have made. I know that they love me. I would never be able to do this without them. Despite my feelings of hurt with their reactions, they were completely warranted. Not only did I do my best to hide the pitfalls of my marriage from my friends and family, but I thought I needed to live through this marriage so that I protected my family from the pain of a separation. I know now that it doesn't matter what I hid, because I won't be doing that again - hiding things from my family. They are too intricate in my life to not share what I feel and what I know.

3) My career has always been an uphill battle with me. I never really knew where I fit and what I was meant to do. I had menial jobs in Canada and felt inspiration when I started teaching in Korea. I had many downfalls there, because I had the idea of control in my head. The juxtaposition of my morals and values with those of the Korea population were contradictory (to say the least). I always felt like I was behind, never feeling like I was a good teacher. I had temper issues, I had difficulty understanding what they wanted and how I could do it for them. I had so much creativity to give to these students and I didn't have the right means to do this. I was frustrated in the means and was penalized because of it. How could I teach without the liberty to use my creative energy? It was, and remains, what it means for me to be a teacher. In Korea, I had other teachers with opinions, but it was my ex's opinion that seemed to matter the most at the time. He ridiculed me, criticized me, and was constantly telling me what I had done wrong. Although it seemed like he supported me, he gave me no venue, no way of making me better. By focusing on myself in this process, I realized just how accomplished I was, and am. I realized that for the majority of my adult life I had been working two or three jobs and taking courses to better my future. I went through my undergrad, my French diploma, and my bachelor of education based on my will, intelligence and my overwhelming need to be the best me I knew how to be. I worked tirelessly to regain my chagrin at not having an honours degree - only a general degree. Since receiving that diploma I didn't feel that I was smart enough or worthy enough to achieve more. Even after my diploma certification in French and my bachelor of education, I felt that I wasn't smart or good enough to be in my profession. After a short but successful entry into the teaching profession, I started to realize my worth in the lives of my students. I started to realize that it's not about me, but rather how my students learn and the values I teach them on a daily basis. I was always worried about observations that were seen and documented by my superiors. I was always nervous at the meeting, expecting the absolute worst - telling me how awful of a teacher I was. Memories of my times in Korea being judged constantly on my ability to conduct and teach a class came into question. When I received glowing recommendations and "satisfactory" on my evaluations still floored me in an incredible way. I didn't think I deserved them. I didn't think I was good enough.
After a year of my bachelor of education and a year of supply/contract work with both boards, I was in a room with four principals, all eager to hear me speak French and my methods in the classroom. I had multiple interviews for various teaching positions, and hoped that I would at the very least get a contract position running from September to June. Not only did I get offered a permanent position in my second year of teaching, but I received one of the best compliments I've ever received from someone who didn't even hire me. On my second interview I was asked a question that I needed clarification in order to respond. I couldn't do it in good conscious. I didn't know what the question was asking me and told them honestly I didn't know how to respond properly, so I passed the question. I felt deflated after this interview, despite the positive people in my life. After receiving the permanent position, I danced and skipped around the house for over an hour. Afterwards, I received a call from my second interviewees (the interview where I missed an entire question). She stated that she had difficulty reaching my references based on the holiday season, but was confident that she would contact them soon. I told her that I had already accepted a permanent position and was no longer in the running for the position at her school. Not only had I been chosen to have a permanent position (incredibly rare, even for French) but the principal at the other school gave me two compliments knowing that I had already accepted another position: she told me that her French was good, that the translator's was great and that I surpassed them both; the second was that despite the fact that I missed an entire question, I was her first pick out of all the candidates. I was blown away. Who chooses someone over others, having missed a question?

I know now that I have an incredible gift, that I speak French well, and that I convey and act as a respectable, responsible teacher. It is what I love to do, what I love to plan for, and what I love to wake up in the morning and do every day.

I took awhile talking about my profession, and I believe it is worth noting. I have never given myself credit for my accomplishments, and it wasn't until my ex haphazardly called me out on it (telling me I was nothing without his "help"), did I actually realize that I needed to look within to find out just how great I was.

I am a great person. I deserve love and support but I also need to know that I can find both of these things within. It is what I do, and what attracts me to people who value these qualities. I`m done pretending to be someone I`m not, because frankly, I`m pretty spectacular.

So, how do I tell you I love you? How do I tell you that my feelings for you run deeper than I could ever imagine?

It's the trust that I'm worried about. It's not lying, it's misinformation.

I'm going to sleep. I hope in the morning I have an apartment and that my feelings know better than they know now.

xoxo You must know I miss you

So...........

So how do I move on? How do I live my life so that I am okay? Do I want to screw up my chances with someone I care about so that I'm okay as a human being? This is fucked. I can't hold someone's hand through this; I need someone to hold my hand for heaven's sakes. I'm done doing this for other people. Why is it that it's so hard for me to get my life together again? All I want is to be happy. Could I ever be happy again? I hope so. I need to believe I can be. Otherwise, why bother?

Finding My Spirit

A lot has changed since my tormented posts here. I have been through and continue to look for my spirit within. I believe I am in love. I am in love with a man that I wish would be everything to me. And yet, at the same time I wish I had the strength within to caution myself from this love. I have tried, multiple times, to refrain from him, to keep myself from him. He is what I am looking for. He has strong familial values, an incredible attachment to a child that is not his but is a father-figure in her life. He has a connection that will never be broken, and this doesn't bother me except for the fact that he seems to plan his vacation around the child, her mother and his family. I need a greater understanding of where I fit into his life in order to respect what he values. If I were really that important in his life, if I was really his "girl", then why have we only spoken about trips and adventures in hypothetical situations. It's hard for me to trust someone with this kind of baggage because it is unfamiliar to me. That being said, who wants my baggage?

I want to go camping with him, I want to sit under the stars in his arms, I want him to come over and watch movies and eat popcorn but really just look into his incredible eyes and feel completely calm.

I want calm. I've been wreaking havoc since I left my husband. He was a man that brought negativity to my life and did not bring out my best qualities.

In keeping with my rambling mind, I'd like to take a moment and make my qualities known.

I am an intelligent woman, versed in two languages (English and French) with working knowledge of both Korean and Portuguese. I hold multiple degrees and am an accomplished teacher. I have just recently received a permanent position that entails both French and Kindergarten - two passions that I hold near and dear to my heart. I have always worked my hardest, except for this summer where I took my vacation and leave from working. In the past fifteen years (or so) I have worked two or three jobs at a time, couponed to the point where I have a bloody coupon binder in order to save my pennies for a rainy day. I deserve this summer off, even if it's to leave my husband, find a new home, and create a life where I feel like I'm worthy enough.

I went through a very rough time with my husband. I would drive home from work and look at this specific tree. I knew that if I left my cell phone out of my purse, and just swerved towards it, with my seat belt off and pretending to take my sweater off, that most people would come to the conclusion that I was texting and changing clothes when I veered off the road, directly into a tree. I even had it planned out where I knew that if I missed the tree I would hit the hydro pole. It was far enough away from my school that it would seem like an accident, and far enough away from my home that I would not be held in a suicide. I remember driving past this tree, and wondering how awful it would be for my students. My family may not have understood, but my students would be heartbroken. I loved them all, and wanted nothing but the best for them. They were the only reason I had to dodge that tree and continue to that house and suffer through that pain. I loved them. Truly and dearly. I couldn't imagine having them come to school and not see me there. It's the reason I kept my job at bbb. I knew I could come home and leave before he got there. I knew by the time I got home he would be in bed. I hated working there. But I hated being at that house more.

I miss his family. They are good people who only wanted the best for us. But the pain and suffering was too much for me to be able to live the rest of my life with it. They may hate me, but all I had was love for them. I was destructive, and self-altering.

I am not a stepford wife. I cannot be what I am not. I am sick and fucking tired of being what other people expect me to be. I am who I am. I am learning to love myself, despite my mistakes.

I am an incredible woman who needs to find herself before she loves again.

That`s what makes this situation hard. I think I love him. But I need to find me first.

I am always and forever,

v1v1da