Finding My Spirit

A lot has changed since my tormented posts here. I have been through and continue to look for my spirit within. I believe I am in love. I am in love with a man that I wish would be everything to me. And yet, at the same time I wish I had the strength within to caution myself from this love. I have tried, multiple times, to refrain from him, to keep myself from him. He is what I am looking for. He has strong familial values, an incredible attachment to a child that is not his but is a father-figure in her life. He has a connection that will never be broken, and this doesn't bother me except for the fact that he seems to plan his vacation around the child, her mother and his family. I need a greater understanding of where I fit into his life in order to respect what he values. If I were really that important in his life, if I was really his "girl", then why have we only spoken about trips and adventures in hypothetical situations. It's hard for me to trust someone with this kind of baggage because it is unfamiliar to me. That being said, who wants my baggage?

I want to go camping with him, I want to sit under the stars in his arms, I want him to come over and watch movies and eat popcorn but really just look into his incredible eyes and feel completely calm.

I want calm. I've been wreaking havoc since I left my husband. He was a man that brought negativity to my life and did not bring out my best qualities.

In keeping with my rambling mind, I'd like to take a moment and make my qualities known.

I am an intelligent woman, versed in two languages (English and French) with working knowledge of both Korean and Portuguese. I hold multiple degrees and am an accomplished teacher. I have just recently received a permanent position that entails both French and Kindergarten - two passions that I hold near and dear to my heart. I have always worked my hardest, except for this summer where I took my vacation and leave from working. In the past fifteen years (or so) I have worked two or three jobs at a time, couponed to the point where I have a bloody coupon binder in order to save my pennies for a rainy day. I deserve this summer off, even if it's to leave my husband, find a new home, and create a life where I feel like I'm worthy enough.

I went through a very rough time with my husband. I would drive home from work and look at this specific tree. I knew that if I left my cell phone out of my purse, and just swerved towards it, with my seat belt off and pretending to take my sweater off, that most people would come to the conclusion that I was texting and changing clothes when I veered off the road, directly into a tree. I even had it planned out where I knew that if I missed the tree I would hit the hydro pole. It was far enough away from my school that it would seem like an accident, and far enough away from my home that I would not be held in a suicide. I remember driving past this tree, and wondering how awful it would be for my students. My family may not have understood, but my students would be heartbroken. I loved them all, and wanted nothing but the best for them. They were the only reason I had to dodge that tree and continue to that house and suffer through that pain. I loved them. Truly and dearly. I couldn't imagine having them come to school and not see me there. It's the reason I kept my job at bbb. I knew I could come home and leave before he got there. I knew by the time I got home he would be in bed. I hated working there. But I hated being at that house more.

I miss his family. They are good people who only wanted the best for us. But the pain and suffering was too much for me to be able to live the rest of my life with it. They may hate me, but all I had was love for them. I was destructive, and self-altering.

I am not a stepford wife. I cannot be what I am not. I am sick and fucking tired of being what other people expect me to be. I am who I am. I am learning to love myself, despite my mistakes.

I am an incredible woman who needs to find herself before she loves again.

That`s what makes this situation hard. I think I love him. But I need to find me first.

I am always and forever,

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